Nothing but grief

I’ve been, as yet again (and the fact that I even have to write the words “yet again” in this context says it all) floored and crushed by the string of violence and utter monstrosity of the events in Nice, and Baghdad, and the violences in Turkey, and…It’s getting too long and too grim to list them, and they occurred in a couple of weeks. Weeks!
More than ever I hate that the first feeling when the news alert pops in is a sort of disgusted “oh, not again”, as if this succession is expected somehow. And the political discourse, and the awaited raise in xenophobic or racist reply, and the violence building up.
Mostly I’ve been thinking on a loop about the people – the children – who lost their lives and about their families and friends. And about how there must be mountains of grief and sadness I can’t even grasp. So much suffering that can’t be expressed but becomes everything. And sometimes I think about the fact that someone actually drove a truck with the intent of killing as many people as possible, and the atrocity of that shocks me into not being able to think any more.
It’s been days feeling this way and not finding any words to write. But somehow as I was trying to write today about trivial things, and books I recently borrowed or bought for my next travel I felt I couldn’t let it pass and just go on. Even if not writing about it absolutely doesn’t mean not thinking about it, even if writing about it absolutely doesn’t help. Even if I have been loving reading about something else, like other people buying books and reviewing them, and that has helped me in these moments utter despair in humanity. Somehow today I can’t do just the same, it will probably come back tomorrow.
This just helps me to stand still for a moment and grieve, because I’ve been grieving almost constantly but never truly in the past days, always thinking about it when I had a minute of calm but then letting the daily life go by. Which is no way to grieve at all.
So stop.
And cry.
And try to rekindle hope and conviction in humanity’s tolerance and love.
That’s all I can do today.

 

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One thought on “Nothing but grief

  1. I’ve been feeling similarly immobilized by recent events. I don’t remember a time like this before, with each new day bringing bad news on the back of yesterday’s devastation. It is hard to know how to handle it, I only wish I knew. ūüė¶

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